Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
