were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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