dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
