Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
