How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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