if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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