I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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