would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Randomize
