you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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