Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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