its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
