I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
