There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
