I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
It's never too late to be topless.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
