I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
