another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
