If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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