You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize