My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
My liver is preforming stress tests.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
