its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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