i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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