In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
It's shark week go big or go home
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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