Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
