i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
