She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
