When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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