apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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