My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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