The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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