I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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