News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
