I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
