Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
