he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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