you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
