So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
