whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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