yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
