you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
