Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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