So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
