we should wear snuggies to the strip club
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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