Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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