I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
