so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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