And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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