On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
