This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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