someone get that fucking seahorse.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize