In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
