who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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