Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
