i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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