i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
