im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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