i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
